WASHINGTON- In a rare public appearance earlier today, former President Obama made a bold new announcement and shocked much of the world. For the first time, he introduced a top secret collaboration between governmental agencies and leading pharmaceutical companies to develop a “chill pill.” Promising to be humanity’s “best hope against extinction,” the news was met with worldwide fascination and optimism.
“It essentially works like a truth serum,” said a researcher involved in the development who agreed to speak with us under the request of anonymity. “A truth serum inhibits an individual from telling lies. Well, this chill pill works effectively the same way but on inbound stimulus. In other words, people will no longer be able able to hear lies being told to them. This frees individuals from the burden of deciphering truth, a leading cause of global warming denial.”
The research team is still working on clinical trials for the pill and it is not expected to be widely available until late 2020. Although there is no confirmed linkage, some say the timing may be politically motivated. The upcoming mid-term elections should put climate change front and center, driving at least two dozen citizens to get off their recycled cardboard couches and into the voting booth.
Details remain sparse but one thing we can confirm is that the pill will most likely not be a pill at all. In keeping with a growing trend that we first reported (Study: curb youth drug abuse by making all prescriptions in suppository form), the medication will likely be delivered via suppository.
Mr. Obama was quoted saying, “Given the current political environment and denial at the highest ranks in the current administration, we had to make this public now. What should give us hope that this is a turning point, that this is the moment we finally determined we would save our planet.” Indeed. Perhaps that stark call to action is all the motivation we will need to stick a chill pill up our bum for dear planet Earth.