Wall Street’s volatility is reminder of burden faced by filthy rich Americans

MANHATTAN, NY- The stock market has been on a roller coaster so far this year. Just yesterday, the Dow Jones industrial average lost over 1,100 points, which represents the single largest point drop in history. All of this volatile in the market has roiled the mega-rich, reminding us once again of the suffering of the wealthy elite.

“Some of these people have heavily diversified asset allocations, but this could still mean trading in the McLaren for an Aston Martin. So sad.”
“I looked at my assistant’s phone and was simply appalled by the numbers,” said Sean Moneypecker. (Mr. Moneypecker’s grandfather was the famed inventor of the orange highlighter. The family wealth was transferred to Sean soon after he murdered his parents in 2008.) “Beatrice and I had planned to endow a school in some crappy neighborhood but with the market plummeting it simply wouldn’t be responsible to do that and the beach house remodel.”

Although the market has seen a meteoroic rise of 30% over the past year, those gains have gone to support lavish lifestyles by the super-rich. Home sales in the above $20M price range reached an all time high in 2017. As did sales of luxury yachts, fine wine, diamond studded parakeet collars, and unicorn skin underwear.

As volatility persists, some say we must remember to be empathetic. “I don’t own any stock. I can barely make rent. But, I’m sure it must be hard. Just imagine losing four or five percent in the stock market,” said an oddly understanding NYU student. “Some of these people have heavily diversified asset allocations, but still this could still mean trading in the McLaren for an Aston Martin. So sad.”