New FBI memo sheds light on Punxsutawney Phil conflicts of interest

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA- The most famous groundhog in the world, Punsxutawney Phil, once again made his annual prediction this morning.  Emerging from his temporary home in Gobbler’s Knob, Phil saw his shadow and called for another 6 weeks of winter. However, this year, his prediction is shrouded in controversy.

“We trusted Punsxutawney Phil and now it’s shocking to learn we’ve all been duped by a giant rat.”
A newly released FBI memo outlines financial conflicts of interest that date back years. It appears that Phil holds “seven figure” investments with at least three winter clothing manufacturers and a snowplowing company.

“I’m outraged to hear this,” said Sven Ingledorf, a long-time fan of Phil’s. “We’ve trusted Punsxutawney Phil with reliable forecasts for 131 years and now it’s shocking to learn we’ve all been duped by a giant rat, controlling the weather for his own self-interests.”

Indeed this year’s prediction was especially notable and suspicious. USA Today reported that Phil saw his shadow “in spite of forecasts that predicted a cloudy, shadow-less morning.” The prognostication only seems to deepen the controversy. Likewise, a report by The Washington Post ads perspective noting this prediction is only valid if “you trust the weather forecasting skills of this oversized rodent.”

While most were shocked to hear the accusations against Phil, others weren’t as surprised. “We’ve seen the duplicity of Phil’s ‘Inner Circle’ for years,” suggests Punsxutawney resident Shary Williams referring to the collection of handlers responsible for Phil’s care. “I’ve heard about the secret tunnels, the lunch meetings, and, of course, the ‘elixir of life’ they feed him. Yea, I know all the stories.”

(The Elixir of Life is said to give Phil seven years of additional life per sip, although independent sources have not been able to substantiate that claim.)

As the FBI memo makes it’s rounds, expect many pendants to take to the Sunday talk shows and call for changes. Possible outcomes might include new sunshine rules requiring increased transparency on Phil’s financial dealings. Change may be on the way but in the meantime it appears it will be an especially harsh six more weeks of winter for Phil.