Scientists: Best way to curb youth drug abuse is make all prescriptions suppositories

WILMINGTON- Working hard to address a rise in teen addiction and abuse of prescription drugs, scientists believe they have finally come up with an answer to curbing this trend. In a new study to be released in two weeks, a team of top scientists argue that all prescription drugs should be converted into suppositories starting early next year.

“Imagine a world where they would have to drop their pants and bend over to take the same medication… now that’s something I would like to see!”

After conducting a number of focus groups with teenagers and young adults across the country, scientists were shocked at the consistency with which respondents detested the idea of taking medicine rectally. “We were really surprised when nearly 87% of participants expressed significant to extreme disgust with the idea of taking prescriptions drugs anally,” said one doctor, who spoke to us anonymously pending the wide scale distribution of the study results.

“These results are a game changer,” says another researcher involved in the study. “Right now, kids can pop pills pretty much anywhere and at any time. All that’s going to change when our new suppository rules are enacted. Imagine a world where they would have to drop their pants and bend over to take the same medication… now that’s something I would like to see!”

While these results are very promising, scientists are quick to point out that the pharmaceutical industry is likely to push back hard. Agreeing to speak to us anonymously, one pharmaceutical executive had this to say: “Over the years, we’ve experimented with drug delivery through all imaginable orifices. While we know some people prefer anal, we believe most are still fully satisfied taking it orally.”