Epidemic of stoned squirrels plaguing California suburbs

WALNUT CREEK, CA- Not everyone in California is coping well with legal recreational marijuana. The state spent years studying the legislation. The impact on tax revenue and the intricacies of the supply chain are well detailed.  However, one overlooked cohort continues to struggle with the adjustment: squirrels.  As a result, packs of the stoned animals are aimlessly roaming the suburbs.

“We took a very pragmatic approach to identify impacts of legalizing marijuana,” says a researcher who acted as an expert for the State. “We knew there would be pockets of vulnerable populations, but never expected legal weed to result in gangs of intoxicated squirrels.”

The problem was first observed late in January when early buds began sprouting in the unseasonably warm winter weather. Home owners – who are now allowed to grow up to six plants for recreational use – began reporting squirrel thefts of their crops.

“I had an awesome set of plants in the back that were starting to blossom when I noticed someone was steeling my buds,” reports one concerned home owner. “At first I thought it was the neighbor kids but then I kept noticing all these squirrels giggling uncontrollably in the corner of the yard. These squirrels are really horrible stoners.”

With no obvious way to combat the outbreak, entrepreneurial Californians are finding new ways to address the issue. “I’m selling bags of nuts like you wouldn’t believe!” said one such entrepreneur. “Those squirrels get crazy munchies. My clients are just trying to keep the peace one peanut at a time.”