Only 8 sucker-punched in relatively peaceful Philly morning commute

PHILADELPHIA, PA- City officials and long-time citizens were overwhelmed with shock as Philadelphia completed a historically peaceful morning commute.  “We knew winning the Superbowl was going to change this city, but to have fewer than 10 assaults during a Monday morning commute? … Well, that’s simply unbelievable,” said a man holding back tears.

The good fortune seems attributable to the euphoria from the Eagles monumental win last night. It would appear that the victory has brought relative calm to the city of brotherly love. And, perhaps, a hangover lingering into the morning hours.

“We’ll see how long we can keep this up,” said another shocked citizen. “I’m optimistic and hope that we’ve turned a corner.” With that, he looked suspiciously over his shoulder and ran maniacally down the street.

Another victory to a well-deserving city. Congratulations on the Superbowl win and let’s hope the goodwill keeps flowing.